Compassion in action: how employers can show up after pregnancy loss and miscarriages

Trigger warning: This blog discusses pregnancy loss.

I’m going to start this article by sharing my personal experience of miscarriage. If that’s something you’d prefer not to read right now you can head further down to the headline ‘Things to reflect on as you craft policies and support parents experiencing a loss’ instead.

When I had a miscarriage in 2015 I was in an employed role at a big company. I remember very vividly ringing my line manager after I'd been for a scan to try and tell her what had happened. I couldn't get the words out and passed the phone to my husband who propped us both up that day and for the months that followed.

There was no way I could have functioned in the workplace and as it turned out, I needed a few weeks off because my miscarriage experience ended in an operation and multiple trips to the hospital.

There was no policy to follow, but I had a cracking line manager. She made sure my out of office was on and meetings were cancelled or covered. She asked me if I wanted the team to know and if they did, did I want her to ask them not to contact me just yet. She was a metaphorical buffer for weeks. And my team helped put parts of me back together that I didn't realise were shattered.

Grief is a lot of things, but it certainly isn't linear. A few months after the miscarriage, I was diagnosed with PTSD following my experience at hospital. My line manager caught me again and got me access to CBT. Before I'd even booked my first appointment she made sure that I knew on the days I had my sessions, there was no expectation of needing to return to work or log back on (working from home was in its very early stages).

I get asked a lot about how we can support parents in the workplace more broadly and I know how important policies are as a foundation. It’s not the whole picture though to say that a policy was the most important part here. It wasn't a policy that held me through one of the hardest times of my life, it was the people. Which was no mean feat given that I didn't want to talk about it to begin with. But they were gentle, they asked what I needed and when I didn't know - they came back a few days later and checked in.

So please, please do put those policies in because it helps on so many levels, but remember you're dealing with humans not stats.

Things to reflect on as you craft policies and support parents experiencing a loss:

• There are going to be many different situations and experiences. Aiming for a one size fits all approach will cause you problems you just don’t need. In launching a policy or reviewing an existing one, consider any updates you could make to the language to reflect this reality. 
• Language matters. The term ‘loss’ for example is a tricky one, because many parents will not identify with that. They know where their baby is, they haven’t misplaced it - but it’s not in their arms. There’s no clear cut answer for this one, but acknowledging this may not be the correct language for some and that people can correct you is an important thing to flag. 
• Be as inclusive as possible, remembering there are different family set ups and acknowledging if we get things wrong, and then doing something about it, is important.
• Partners will need support too. If you’re their employer, think about some of the practical things you can do to help - access to paid leave where you can, people to talk to etc
• Recognising this is a grieving process. Grief is something that will get all of us at some point, and we know no matter who or what we’re grieving, it isn’t linear. If we’re expecting parents to be able to give us a timeline, we’re going to be waiting a long time. Letting someone know offers of support don’t have a use by date on them is key.
• Worrying that you’re going to cause extra grief or remind them about the baby isn’t the reality for most people – they’re likely to already be thinking about them

There are no scripts here, but I know it can be helpful to have some practical things in mind to say / not say, so here are a few suggestions:

• It’s really awful, I’m so sorry

• What do you need from me? It’s ok if you don’t know right now

• You can ask for help anytime, there’s no end date on support

And here are some things not to say:

• ‘It happens for a reason’

• ‘You can always try for another one‘

• ‘It wasn’t a real baby yet’

• If they have other children: ‘Makes you grateful for the child(ren) you’ve already got’

(If you recognise that you’ve said some of these things in the past, please don’t give yourself too much of a hard time. What’s important is learning as you move forward).

If you need help or access to resources on this topic, organisations like Tommy’s, SANDs and The Miscarriage Association all have helplines you can access. And if you have any questions about the specifics I’ve covered, you can get in touch through email to hello@power-of-the-parent.com